finishing off my first year in university, my first year in the US; it’s time to confront my long procrastinated reflections.
i daresay i’ve changed so slightly so much that i don’t recognize myself anymore, but the myself that i still do recognize hasn’t changed much, i think.
it’s been unreal; not in the all-my-dreams-came-true sense, but in the who-am-i, double-life, existential-crisis way. well, not a crisis per se, just a steady struggle to acceptance of condition, or perhaps an escapist phantom-itch that i forget to forget.
i watch my hand write down my sentences and my math, but i don’t recognize the mind that forms these thoughts. words come out of my mouth and i think i speak, but i don’t hear myself. as i speak, i don’t hear myself and i wonder how i seem to have left the ‘I am’ back home. I can’t seem to hear myself.
i suppose it’s partly a code-switching thing. i reflect my accent off of people; probably in the same way my existence is reflected off of others. and in such a huge and ever-changing campus, i find losing oneself a very frightful notion. and i have lost my (true?) reflection.
a year later, things seem less frightening; i’ve made friends who are equally lost, and being lost together isn’t that lonely. Berkeley seems like a much smaller place with recognizable faces, recognizable reflections of myself.
what i think i’m trying to say is, this past year, i haven’t yet come to terms with my double-life, my fleeting ghostlife, i doubt i ever will. i’m still adrift across an ocean of fluid and ever-changing reflections, constantly making me wonder who i am, but i’m starting to be ok with that.